This is hard for me.
You want to know what is easy for me?
It is easy for me to share when … I conquer a trial and come out stronger on the other side.
It is easy for me to share when … I see the Lord’s hand all over my life.
It is easy for me to share when … I am in the middle of a trial and am actually managing.
To share when I fail though? That is the exact OPPOSITE of easy.
It is hard for me to admit when…. I am in the middle of a trial and I am failing miserably.
When something seemingly “perfect” crosses my path, be it a perfect job, a perfect guy, a perfect opportunity, a perfect situation, I eagerly place all my “eggs” in that basket: my hope, my happiness, and my heart. The three H’s.
The problem with that? When that “perfect” is no longer mine, when it is snatched out of my control, I lose it. My hope vanishes, my happiness fades, and my heart aches. I literally become an emotional wreck. The tears flow freely and the thoughts run rampant.
I question the Lord, pleading him to reveal to me the purpose of this painful experience. I doubt that anything as “perfect” as this could ever cross my path again. I get frustrated and angry with the Lord for teasing me with something so desirable only to take it away. At this point, I lose all hope. The IMpossible suddenly seems too big for God to make possible.
Wow. Did those words really just come out of my mouth? Let me check, yup they did.
In that statement, I am questioning the very CHARACTER of God, not to mention His Word which says, “With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” ~Matthew 19:26
Talk about a wakeup call for my faith! My faith is not nearly as strong as I once thought. I have been sufficiently humbled. On the outside, I appear to have it altogether. I am financially independent, I have a college education and career, and I appear spiritually mature.
But I am admitting to you– I am not perfect. I do not have it altogether. Far from it! I have miles in the rearview mirror but MANY more miles to go before my faith is anywhere close to strong.
So for those of you who know me, I can definitely use prayer as I wade through this muck and work to strengthen and grow my relationship with the Lord. To know that I could so easily doubt the sovereignty of the Lord—the One who saved me from eternity in Hell, the same One who picks up my broken pieces and glues me back together time and time again—it crushes me. Like a 2×4 to the head.
But with the Lord’s strength, I will move past this and be stronger on the other side. It’s the in between that sucks.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” ~Philippians 4:13
“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” ~Psalm 37:5-7
3 thoughts on “This is hard for me…”
I don’t know what is going on, but I will be praying for you precious one!
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This is lovely. I am so inspired by your vulnerability in this post. Not enough people are as honest while in the MIDST of a struggle (Usually when we have come out clearly victorious). I have been there in the hard places & in some areas I’m still there. I remind myself he is forever faithful. Keep standing on the word and Be Encouraged!
thanks for this post, I finally feel like someone else gets it. I have been seriously humbled by God pointing out the same to me, that my faith is not as strong as I thought it was. And many times this year I have felt like I’m failing this waiting game test far too many times. And I have been quiet and not told a soul since I didn’t want to sound like I’m constantly whining.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this, we are many in this struggle. Keep your head up :-)