While I’m in the middle of the series, “You’ll Be Glad You Did,” I felt the Lord leading me to be transparent this evening and share what I have held inside for a while. I hope that this post can minister to you if you are facing a similar situation, if only to let you know that you are not alone.
In 1 Samuel 3:9, the Lord speaks to a sleeping Samuel, calling out his name. Samuel replies, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.” Do you ever feel like Samuel, constantly crying out, “Speak Lord”? You just want one detail, a small glimpse into the future? You are facing the unknown and that frightens you? Well, I do. In fact, that perfectly describes every day of my life for the past two months. All throughout each day, I pray for the Lord to reveal the next step. Many evenings end with me crying out to the Lord to SPEAK…something…anything! I just want, desire, need clarity in my life! Right now, it feels as though I am simply going through the motions, walking around aimlessly with no clear direction.
I feel like my life mirrors these footprints in the sand, going every which way but not really going anywhere. I continue applying for jobs, attending interviews, doing my homework and trying to plan for the future, but I don’t even know what that future is. I had an interview this past week for a job that seems right up my alley, but even then, I’m not sure if it is the ‘God-fit’, to quote my daddy. My prayer is that if it is not the right job, that the Lord closes that door with crystal clarity.
As many of you know, I’m a planner. Big time! And I’ll be honest, it is frustrating not knowing the next step and not being able to plan. That’s just the plain and simple truth. I know what the Bible says about “not worrying about tomorrow” and trusting in God’s timing. I get those good-intention ‘speeches’ all the time. And don’t get me wrong, they are great truths to be reminded of, but sometimes you just want someone to empathize with you. Waiting? It sucks. Being patient? It’s hard. Trusting in God’s timing? It’s a battle of the minds…for me at least. It’s like my mind is in constant battle with itself: one half (the sensible half) speaking truth and reminding me that God is sovereign and the other half (the planner half) worrying and yes, slightly freaking out, at the ‘not knowing’.
I hate the ‘waiting’ game. There. I said it. It is the worst game ever invented. Not fun. At. All. If I could possess a superpower, it would be the ability to travel through time. Then I could avoid all the worrying about the future because I would already know.
If you are reading this and are in the same situation as me, I’m not going to reiterate what you have already heard. But know this: I do empathize. I do understand. I do agree. This part of growing up and living life sucks.
So while I feel like I live each day, looking through lens that are 2x too strong resulting in blurred vision, I do know this. God is faithful and I am not in this alone. Because of my relationship with the Lord, I am able to go to Him in prayer and He hears me. John 15:7 says, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”
The final thought I will leave you with is Paul’s encouragement in Philippians 4:6-7 (and my life verse):
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, present your requests to God. And the PEACE that passes all understanding with guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.”
This is my prayer:
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders; let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. ~Hillsong United
I’m in between. Held in the balance. In limbo. Facing the unknown. But guess what? Keep your fork, cause the best is yet to come. ~God. [For those unfamiliar with the “Keep Your Fork” poem, you can read it here.]