Today was the day. Our online classes for this first 8-weeks of the spring term (referred to as B-term) were posted and available for students to access. Some students take this as an opportunity to get ahead in the course. Others don’t even log in to Blackboard until a week into the course. I’m in between. I’m definitely enjoying my last few days of freedom, but curious about graduate course requirements and homework, tonight I logged into my 2 courses and looked at the syllabi.
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have. Because now I am completely stressed out and overwhelmed at the heavy coursework. Thoughts such as “I’m to young for graduate school,” “I don’t really need a Masters, do I?,” and “This is too much! I’m gonna fail!” are just an example of everything that I am thinking and feeling right now.
Now I know I probably sound like a drama queen to some of you reading this, but at 10:00 at night, my emotions run unrestrained and unreasoned. I know tomorrow will shed a new, more optimistic light on the subject and reason will return, but tonight I am wallowing in self-doubt.
As I was looking at my syllabi and vocally stressing and internally hyperventilating, my mom heard me and reasoned with me a little. She put things in perspective saying, “You know that feeling you are feeling right now about starting back? Think about that feeling multiplied later on down the road, when you are working full-time and/or raising a family.” Thanks, mom. So, yes, I am still pursuing a Masters.
Come Monday morning, the mountain climbing begins and with it, a backpack full of weights (homework), stress, and self-doubt. Thankfully though, I have the Bible as my walking stick. Every semester previous has started out in a similar manner and I’m living proof that I will survive. In the moment, though, I feel like I will die and I dread climbing again when I just reached the top of one mountain (a.k.a undergraduate degree).
So prayers are greatly appreciated as I explore this new chapter of life and scale this seemingly insurmountable mountain. Quoting Vernon Brewer, founder of World Help, from his Baccalaureate speech at my graduation in May 2011:
All of life is about scaling cliffs. And each of you will be called upon to scale the cliffs of life. Some may be intimidating and appear insurmountable. But you can scale each one!”
And of course whenever I read, speak, or write the words “climb every mountain,” I think of Julie Andrews singing “Climb Evr’y Mountain” in Sound of Music.
Scripture to guide me. Family & friends to support me. Prayer to hold me. Ready, set, climb.